Eight years...where did they go?

Eight years ago...to the exact minute...I was in the absolute worst pain of my life. I literally wondered if each breath I took would be my last. Then it was over. I heard that precious first cry. I heard them tell us that it was a boy. Then they put him on my chest. My sweet Ayden. I would go through the pain every single day for the rest of my life if that's what it took for him to be mine. I'm so thankful the Lord didn't ask that of me. He just simply let me be Ayden's mommy. 

On each of our kids' birthdays, I love replaying the events of the day of their births. I will look at the clock to see what time it is then take myself back to that day and what was happening at that exact minute. And each year I wonder how another year could have already passed since the last time we celebrated their birthday.

I made cupcakes for Ayden's class today and was thankfully able to leave work for a little while to go to his school for a few minutes. Then I took him, Gracelyn, and Braysen to Kandee's for some yummy frozen yogurt and we ate McDonald's for supper! Michal unfortunately had to work all day and then had class tonight then had to go back to work after that. Ayden definitely felt special today with all the happy birthday phone calls he got and his special lunch we packed. :) There was definitely no denying it was his birthday. Ha! He told me this afternoon that when he read the notes from me and Micahel his "eyes got watery". Well, mine got pretty watery when he told me that. Melted my heart.

My sweet, considerate, tender hearted, funny, silly, amazing 8-year-old. 

Hello, 2016!

I am home.  Alone.  I am not sure I remembered the last time this happened.  I woke up, cleaned bathrooms, washed clothes, changed sheets, drank coffee, read my Bible....and never once did I get interrupted.  I didn't have to break up a fight, fix a cup of chocolate milk, or be at anyone's beckon call.  But my gosh...it's too quiet here.  I miss my babies like crazy.  And it's only be a little over 12 hours since I've seen them!  Have I lost my mind?! I was lying in bed last night, thinking about how much I wished they were here.  I always think how much I would love a break sometimes, but when I get one...all I want to do is see them and hug them and kiss them. 

Yesterday afternoon, Michael took Ayden and Braysen squirrel hunting in the woods behind our house.  It was Braysen's first time hunting, and boy was he excited!!  He had been saying he didn't want to shoot squirrels because he loves them.  LOL.  I guess he changed his mind.  They didn't shoot any squirrels yesterday, but Braysen did get to shoot a pinecone! Ha! He was just as excited about that!

I videoed Braysen before they went.  I hate that it's sideways, but he is just too cute!

My precious babies before church last night. It was quite an act of congress to get a decent picture. They always act so silly and Braysen was on some kind of chocolate high, I think! I realized after j finally got one of them all smiling that Braysen had himself in handcuffs! 

Here are a few of the ones I took...it's very hard to believe that Gracelyn is acting normal in all of them. She gets her silliness from her daddy and is always making goofy faces 😉 And Ayden loved sticking his teeth out for every pic?! Not too sure why? Lol! There's definitely never a dull moment with these three ❤️

Our Three-Year-Old.

I thank the Lord I have been blessed with three precious children.  Sometimes it's hard enough for me to believe that I am an adult, much less the mother to three children.  It seems like I should still be a teenager.  What a wonderful, amazing responsibility God has given me as a mother.  Today we celebrated Braysen's third birthday.  My how these three years have flown by.  I remember him being in my arms and never wanting to put him down.  It's still the same way sometimes...I start hugging and kissing him, and he squeezes me back as hard as he can.  I want those moments to freeze in time. Because before we know it, another three years will slip away, and he will be six...and then nine...and well, I don't want to think about it!  He was so sweet today trying to hold up three fingers.  It took every bit of effort he had to keep his thumb and pinky down so that he would only have three fingers up.  I love his little personality.  He is so precious...and everything he says is funny.  I can't imagine what our lives would be like if he hadn't been born three years ago.  I will rock him, hold him, kiss him, and tickle him until he's old enough to be "too cool" for it. And even then, I will still try.  I love that little boy so much it makes my heart ache sometimes.  I am just going to hold on to every smile...every "Mommy, I love you"...every giggle...every second...

We went to Kandee's Frozen Yogurt tonight and boy, did Braysen have fun picking out his toppings!  Chocolate frozen yogurt, chocolate syrup, caramel syrup, Reese's pieces, marshmallows, sour gummy worms, strawberries, blackberries, and blueberries! LOL He was so excited telling me the toppings he wanted that he could barely breathe!

Seven years...

Today is Ayden's 7th birthday.  I am always so nostalgic on my children's birthdays, trying to remember every detail of the day they were born.  And I want to make the day so special for them. After all, the day that each of them was born makes up three of the best days my life. 

I asked Ayden a few days ago what he wanted me to cook him for his birthday.  He thought about it for a few seconds then said, "Dirt cake!"  So of course I had to make sure he got it :) I also had to make him a snack for his class today for his "birthday snack". I got a camouflage cake mix at Wal-Mart, and my gosh was that time consuming!!  After mixing the cake, I had to divide the batter and put different amounts of food coloring in each bowl to create four different colors. Then each color had to be dropped separately into the cake pan to create the camouflage effect. I put bright orange icing on the top, and it turned out so cute.  Then after finishing that, I had to start the dirt cake...another time-consuming recipe!  I let him and Gracelyn eat the dirt cake for breakfast this morning.  They loved that!  Then right before I went to bed, I taped streamers across his door frame so that he would have to burst through them when he got up this  morning.  He told me felt like a football player because they always run through the paper sign.  

Just Taking in the Little Things

This morning, I knew Braysen was awake, so I just stood outside his bedroom door and listened for a few minutes.  It sounded like he was putting on some sort of karate show in his bedroom.  I could hear him making the sounds, so I could just imagine the moves he was making as he was jumping around his bed.  Then all of the sudden, the show must have been over, but he was then carrying on a sweet little conversation with someone.  I'm not sure he was talking to, but he was talking about me!  He started off with, "Mommy..." and whatever he said after that I have no idea, but he was using a sweet voice, so I'd like to think it was something nice :) Then I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go in there and get my kisses.  I had a whole night's worth to make up for.  I went in to find...like always...his blankets and diaper on the floor...and his naked little booty just shining.  He then points to his diaper and says, "Oooohhhhh!" as if someone else had come in and taken it off of him and thrown it on the floor and he had no way of stopping them.  And as if this didn't happen every single morning.
I picked him up and kissed and hugged all over him, and as I put another diaper on him, he jabbered like crazy to me, pointing and laughing, so I know whatever he was telling me must have been so funny. So, I just laughed with him and talked back like I knew exactly what he was saying.  Maybe he saved the day with the puppies from Paw Patrol in his dreams.  Maybe he dreamed about riding the four-wheeler with me, Gracelyn, and Ayden or jumping on the trampoline with his daddy.  I'm not sure, but I love his innocence.  If only it could stay that way...

Gracelyn and Ayden were still sleeping through it all.  It's summer, so they never sleep upstairs in their own beds. I don't really blame them.  If it were me, I wouldn't want to sleep all the way up there, either!  They fall alseep on the couch, usually fighting because someone's foot is in the other's face.  Gracelyn has been ending up in our bed each night, hanging on by a thread before falling onto the floor.  But she doesn't seem to mind, as long as she's right beside me.  I guess Ayden doesn't mind either, because he gets the couch all to himself.

I catch myself taking these moments..these little yet, amazing moments...for granted way more than I should. I want to cherish them. I want to cling to them. I want my children to know just how much I love them, and I want to make every little moment count.

  

Our picnic on the trampoline.  They loved it!

The story of a second grader, a kindergartener, and a sad mommy...

I can't believe it.  Today was Ayden's first day of kindergarten. He was one excited little boy.  I was helping him get dressed bright and early this morning (well, not so bright...it was 5:45!) and  I said, "Ayden today's the day!  You finally get to wear a school uniform!"  He looked at me, his face lit up, and he smiled as big as he possibly could.  Then he threw his arms around me and hugged me.  He was excited about every little thing about starting kindergarten...wearing school clothes, going to recess, eating in the cafeteria, and of course making new friends!  We walked Gracelyn to her class first this morning, and Ayden was singing about Jesus the whole way!  Of course it was a song that he made up!  He loves making up songs.  He's been doing that since he was old enough to talk. We dropped off Gracelyn, and of course, took one last picture of her, and then we headed to Ayden's classroom.  When we walked in, he immediately let go of my hand.  I'm not quite sure how I felt about that!  He was such a big boy.  I feel like I needed him to cling to me...just a little bit! I am so glad he was so brave, but that's my little boy.  I wanted him to want me....to need his mommy.   I think I blew him enough kisses to embarrass him because after his teacher showed him to his seat, he finally just looked at me and whispered, "Mommy!" and gave me that look like it was time for me to go!  I just stared at him for a few minutes through the window beside the door where he couldn't see me.  I watched him sit there and look so innocently at everything around him.  Every second I stood there my heart broke a little more.  And then...I left.  With tears running down my face...and my sweet baby now part of a whole new world where he didn't need me...I left.

Today you let go of my hand.  You let go of my hand and walked into a great big classroom surrounded by people...but to me you were all alone.  All alone because for the first time you didn't have me.  You didn't have me there if you wanted to whisper something in my ear or if you wanted to giggle and tell me something funny.  You didn't have my arms to run to if you wanted to cry.  You're my little boy and my heart is broken because you are entering a scary world and I can't always be right there to take care of you...right there to make sure no one hurts you...right there to make sure your world is safe.  The only thing I can do is pray that God will wrap His loving arms around you and protect you, because He is the one who always has.  But I can promise you one thing.  Today, when we walked in that classroom, your little fingers may have slipped away....and you may have let go of my hand, but you will never...ever...let go of my heart. I love you my little man.  You will always be Mommy's little boy.

 Gracelyn had a great first day!  She acted like she wasn't ready for school to start, but the closer it got, the more excited she was.  She's just not a morning person, and she got really addicted to laying on the couch watching Full House this summer!  I love that she loves Full House so much!  That was my favorite show growing up and I love watching the reruns!  We talk about the characters like we know them personally!  She was excited to see her friends again today, and this year she has three teachers!!  So that was three new people she got to add to her prayers tonight :)

Ayden loved his first day, too!  I think he was so worn out by the time we got home he couldn't even think straight!  He's not used to those early hours!  He said his favorite part of the day was recess, of course, and he was just amazed at how big the cafeteria was!  He did get a little upset that he couldn't go outside and work with Michael this evening because it was getting late, and he had to take a bath and get ready for bed since he has school again tomorrow. He decided all of the sudden that kindergarten really "isn't that much fun" and he doesn't want to go back tomorrow...as if he has a choice! Ha!  Poor baby is just so tired, and he is used to being able to go outside with his daddy, so he didn't like it very much when he had to take a bath instead!  

My new students came today, too!  I had a great day. But I am so tired and can barely hold my eyes open. The first day...well, first few days...are always so exhausting.  I pray my babies have a wonderful day tomorrow...and then it's the weekend we can enjoy together!

I have fallen in love all over again...

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above..."  James 1:17

     

     On September 1, 2004, I went on my very first date with a guy named Michael Westbrook.  When he dropped me off at my apartment after our date that night, I walked in and closed the door...and I knew without a doubt he was the one I would fall in love with and marry.  And I was right ;)  We got married less than a year later on June 17, 2005...and just a couple of months later found out we were going to have our first baby!  

     Gracelyn Alisa Westbrook was born on May 24, 2006.  We didn't find out what if we were having a boy or a girl...we wanted to wait until the moment she got here to know what our child would be.  The very first time I laid eyes on her, I fell head over heels in love.  She was just perfect.  Our perfect little girl.  And the night before Gracelyn's first birthday party, we found out....

     We were going to have another baby!  Once again, we wanted the gender to be a surprise and on January 13, 2008, was the first time I wrapped my arms around our precious baby boy.  I was now in love for the third time with a beautiful, perfect little boy we named James Ayden Westbrook.

     Then on Tuesday, July 17, 2012...my world got even better.  I went in to the hospital on Monday night to be induced the next morning.  Michael and I dropped Gracelyn and Ayden off with my parents then went on to Hattiesburg.  We ate supper at Chili’s, which I had been craving for weeks!  Unfortunately I was so miserable I could barely enjoy it.  By the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I had so many aches and pains in my whole body that I could barely walk.  It was pure misery! I was actually looking forward to going in the hospital so I could do nothing but lay there in a bed!  We drove to the hospital after supper and was admitted to a room.  As soon as I was settled in bed, they hooked me up to the IV and began giving me a penicillin drip.  I had tested positive for Group B Strep, so I had to be given antibiotics all the way through labor so the infection wouldn’t pass through to the baby.  They also gave me some pills to take to begin thinning out my cervix and some Ambien to help me sleep.  The Ambien definitely didn’t help, though, because I slept maybe 30 minutes the whole night.  I began having contractions around 2:30 a.m. I had dilated 4 cm at that time.  With every contraction, I was so worried that my epidural would not work because it never worked with Ayden.  They gave me my epidural around 8 a.m.  Thank the Lord it worked perfectly this time!!   I couldn’t feel anything below my waist, and I was quite happy about that!  The nurses literally had to pick up my legs and move them for me!  I can’t remember what time it was when I began pushing, but I felt absolutely no pain whatsoever.  We heard Braysen Michael Westbrook’s first cries at 12:37 p.m.  The nurse laid him on my chest, and  knew right then I had fallen in love all over again. I was so overcome with emotion…I just couldn’t stop crying.  I looked up at Michael and noticed he couldn’t either J  I looked at Braysen’s precious and perfect face.  He was sticking out his little tongue.  I could’ve held him right there forever.  I never wanted to let go.  He was absolutely perfect.  I had been dreaming of this moment...of holding him in my arms and memorizing everything about him for nine months.  The moment was perfect.  

     My parents brought Gracelyn and Ayden in to see their new little brother for the first time.  The first thing Ayden did was pull a little toy car out of his pocket and said, “Hey, Braysen, I’ve been waiting to show this to you.”  It was precious.   Gracelyn just stared at Braysen.  She didn’t know what to think or how to react. She almost acted scared at first! They each got to hold him for a few minutes. 

     Immediately after I had him, I got a horrible headache…the worst one I’ve ever had.  It would not let up, so the nurse finally gave me a caffeine drip.  I had never heard of that in my life, and unfortunately it didn’t help.  I had to lay flat on my back for the rest of the night and the whole next day.  That was the only way the pain would go away.  But, of course it didn’t matter that I was flat on my back because I had a sweet little boy right by my side the whole time…and Michael was there, too J 

We got to go home on Thursday…and we almost went crazy sitting in that hospital room before we got to leave!  Michael was so bored he started dancing around the room like a ballerina.  It was hilarious.  I even got it on video tape to prove it ;)  By Thursday my headache had let up, but it started hurting again really bad that night when we got home.  The Friday, the pain was almost unbearable.  We had to go back to Hattiesburg that Friday to get Braysen’s bilirubin levels checked, so on the way up there I called the doctor’s office and told them about my headache.  They said I most likely needed to get a blood patch because somehow when I got the epidural the needle made a hole somewhere around my spine and was causing a leakage which caused the headache.  So after taking Braysen’s to get his levels checked, we went to another doctor’s office and I had the blood patch done.  As much as I hate needles, I sure had a lot stuck in me that week!  They had to take blood from an IV in my hand and shoot it into my back to patch up the hole.  It didn’t hurt too bad, but it wasn’t the most pleasant experience of my life either!  It did take care of the headache, though, and so I was very thankful for that!

     I know that my hormones are all over the place right now, but every time I think about my babies growing up, I start crying because it just breaks my heart.  Every day they get another day older...it's another day that just passes by and before I know it, they will all be too old to hold in my arms and rock, too old for me to kiss over and over and over because it becomes addictive...without them getting mad or embarrassed.    I wish that I could just freeze time right this very second, too old for me to snuggle with, too old to crawl in our bed and crawl their way in the space between me and Michael.

      I just love the ages they are right now.  Gracelyn is six and is just like my little best friend.  We can carry on real conversations and laugh with each other, and at the same time, she is still my silly little six-year-old.  She is loving being a big sister. She didn't know how to act when Braysen was first born.  She kind of acted scared and in shock, but now all she wants to do is sit and hold him and help take care of him.   Gracelyn is definitely taking advantage of her summer.  She absolutely loves staying in her pj's all day, laying on the couch, and watching TV!  

     Ayden is four and has the sweetest personality in the world.  Now, of course, sometimes his "other" personality comes out, and he isn't as sweet, LOL, but most of the time he is so loving and giving and caring. He says he wants to be a bush hogger when he grows up. LOL!!  What a dream! ha!!  This morning he pushed the coffee table off of the rug in the living room and started pushing his tractor back and forth.  I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "I'm bush hogging the rug!  Don't you see how tall the grass is?!"  It was so funny.  
   I am so incredibly blessed, and I take that for granted way too often.  I could not ask for sweeter, more precious, more beautiful children.  And all those years I spent dreaming of the man I would marry, my dreams never even came close to how perfect Michael is for me.